Coming home

As written on August 8, 2011.

With a birthday looming just a few days away I sit and stare blankly at the North Florida forest.  I sit totally removed from my magical summer.  1100 miles away from the city in which I embraced the change I had been fighting for years but was finally experiencing.  I am finally at home.  At home in my own skin; at home with my own thoughts; at home with the person I truly am.  

I am quite conservative, in my own way, yet quite liberal in the eyes of others.  And being totally removed from the hustle of D.C. and the enlightened people, I have experienced a head on collusion of who I am and why I struggled so much with myself in the past years, and why all this came to head in the lonely rooms of a row house near Rhode Island and 4^th in the less than posh NE section of the District.

When thrown back into a world of people who prefer Wal-Mart over a local co-op, people who rarely read a label on products they purchase, people who don’t question where their food comes from, people whom can update you on Jesse James’ love life.  People whom I remembered and thought often about while drunk in my row house on 6^th.  See you can’t have a conversation with these people about the difficulties of a vegan diet.  Hell, for the most part these people have no clue what vegan really means.  You can’t attack these people for hunting and fishing, or being completely blind to the millions of lives it takes to feed them and their families every year.  These people won’t respond well to the discussions that occur in dog parks and at happy hour in D.C.  

So therein lies my strife.  Therein, I find my spot in this world, in this movement as not a stranger in a strangeland but a bridge.  A person whom lives and understands these people.  A voice in a movement which most people are unaware of.  I stand in no place to judge anyone.  I stand in no place to think I am better than anyone, for I came from this population but I can be a logical voice of reason.  I can have a discourse and not sound like a pompous asshole, for I was just as critical as most and the only reason I became part of this movement was the fact that I questioned.  That I wanted to know more.  

 I know the picture is cheesy but a double rainbow plunging into the vivid green trees on a perfect Sunday afternoon was one of my favorite experiences while I visited Robin in Florida.

Cheers to an enlightening summer!  Cheers to finding yourself!  Cheers to being at home in your own skin!

The dreamer within

As written on July 31, 2011.

So I arrived home.  Aside from being excited about a number of my plants growing, I didn’t exactly view it as home.  I have moved on.  I recognized the furniture and am happy to sleep in my own bed and sit in my own office chair but as far as being “home,” I am not.  I want to fall into the arms of my partner and take a big sigh.  A sigh of “I did it.”  A sigh signifying that I challenged myself and I didn’t break.  A sigh to signify how much I have changed.  And then I want to figure out how I’m going to keep everything fresh so that I don’t fall into the law school drama.  So I remember that a grade, or class rank does not determine my ability, or motivation, or determination, for that is all within.  And one thing I have figured out after a meditative drive home was that I hold a lot within myself.  For that matter we all do.

Steven and I met up today as he had a going away gift for me, and stated how much he enjoyed watching me grow and come into my own.  Well, in thinking about this, this was not the first time I have “come into my own.”  Thus, I am constantly changing and growing and figuring new things out about myself.  I’m not a dreamer that just stumbled upon this, I made decisive decisions to put me in this position and well, frankly, I’m stoked that I did.  I’m stoked that I was eager to have the experiences that I had.  I am stoked that I am not held back by some jilted lover.  I’m stoked that I can contemplate all that happened, all that I worked on, all the free things I was able to take advantage of.  And then morph that into the next step.  The next step to continue down my path.  A path with much resistance, from within myself and from the world around me.  I’ve been enlightened to a world in which I care for so deeply that I cannot help but want to shout from the roof tops: “Go and find yourself, go and find what makes you tick.  And then, go and make the world a better place.”  

 Farewell ride with Steven

I am not some young naïve twit.  I am a woman that made a choice to challenge herself while she still had an opportunity to change her future.  A woman that came out of that challenge so sure of her choices.  So utterly convinced that no matter what path I would have chosen, I would have wound up right here.  That I would be this person, with these ideas, this woman with a realistic view of the world that holds tightly to the dreamer within.  

 My last day at AWI.

I found it more appropriate to take my iconic summer photo on the steps to the office I worked in rather than at the Capitol.  After all, this is what I came here for.

Such Great Heights

Dog people warm my heart

As written on July 30, 2011.

I took my final trip to Shaw dog park this morning.  I found myself in an odd mix of farewells.  We all stood there and knew we would never see each other again, for the connections I made at the dog park were just as strong as those I made at AWI.  However, the difference stands in the fact that I have no chance of running into my dog park people, professionally, in the future. 

Shaw has a special place etched in my heart.  Shaw is not the prettiest dog park but it has some wonderful people.  Shaw is not riddled with the top-notch pure breed dogs, for the people of Shaw know that the gems of the dog world are the mutts.  The mixes which stood little chance of survival in a shelter.  The mixes which are not afraid to get rough and tumble around on the pea gravel ground, and subsequently get hosed down by some wonderful person with a hose. 

This takes me back a few weeks ago, one evening while letting the boys stretch their legs a blind springer spaniel and a pit mix got into a pretty gnarly fight.  The whole thing started because the blind spaniel is a wiz at playing fetch and upon her finding the ball at the same exact moment as the mix, well, teeth and snarls and a fight ensued.  Neither dog was harmed but what I witnessed in the people warmed my soul. 

The people all jumped in.  The people helped to remove the two main dogs from the mess and to keep the outlying dogs out of the mess.  The two people who belonged to the dogs exchanged information just in case there was a vet visit.  Now, here is the extraordinary part, at the park I frequent in Knoxville this would have ensued in a screaming match about whom was at fault and how “that vicious dog” needed to be removed.  However, here, at Shaw, everyone stuck up for both dogs; a blind dog on a mission and playful pup whom was just wanting to take a ball back to his person.  One cannot always expect dogs to get along, hell, why should they?  There are some really annoying dogs out there.  But this experience was pure magic for me.  There was no screaming, no one was mad; once the skirmish was quelled everyone went back to their regularly scheduled activities.  And as if nothing had happened, the evening continued.  With a smile on my face and a shining soul at how wonderful dog people are I left the dog park with my two boys and stood in complete gratitude that I met these people, that I too was a part of Shaw, even if only for a short time. 

Shaw, you made some really hard days easier for me.  Shaw, you are a gem in D.C. and not because of how fancy you may or may not be, and not because of the annoying ice cream truck that frequents the corner of Rhode Island and 11^th, but because like minded people met and shared some amazing experiences.  Shaw, you are more than a dog park.

So in saying farewell to people whom I knew I would never see again my heart broke.  Not in some way that I couldn’t breathe but in the recognition that things change, everything must come to an end.  My heart broke at the fact that such cool people will remain in D.C. while I head back to Knoxville.  My heart broke in hoping that I don’t forget these people or the amazing canines either, because in reality, I only talk to the people because I know the dogs.

Update: As of next week, August 22, 2011, Shaw apparently got a much needed face lift, according to the listserve.

Decide what to be and go be it

As written on July 22, 2011.

I have experienced nothing but support from my friends and family, even from people whom I had no idea even cared.  For the Judge had some wonderful things to say to me.  And my dear friend and spiritual compass, Katie, has reassured me that it is apparent to the world; that the energy I exude is undeniable and people crave it.  For those that see it, may not be able to put a finger on it but they want a piece.  A piece of what, I’m not sure at this time but I know I am a hell of a lot closer to that enlightenment than I was 3 months ago.  I’m thankful for a friend whom reminded me that it’s ok to crumble, that anyone would have, that she could not have done this, that she admired me. 

I have shielded my blog from a lot of the negativity that I have seen at AWI, for it’s not in my nature.  Suffice it to say that as chipper as my posts have been, those posts were chosen.  I have some really horrible posts, which I shall not air.  At AWI the people are amazing.  Loving.  Caring.  Informed.  Educated.  Tolerant.  However, the subject matters that waft through the air are difficult and I stand amazed that this group of people handle these heavy subjects, day in and day out.  It motivates me to continue.  To push through the tough stuff and rejoice in the small victories.  Change happens slowly.

I have experienced the full array of emotions since May.  I have been so angry that I sprinted through goals and deadlines as if they didn’t exist.  I have been so upset that I could not pull myself out of bed.  I have been so depressed that the only thing that made sense was to numb myself with some Jack Daniels.  I have been so happy that I stood with my eyes wide open, just breathing so as to not forget the moment, EVER.  I have been so melancholy that I wondered if people could see it on my face.

Alas, this summer I have experienced every emotion imaginable.  I wish that I could bottle them up separately and store them on a shelf.  Then in the future I could pull them off the shelf and identify what I am feeling and put it to good use.  For every emotion I have had this summer has started some action.  Every emotion has added to the spark, which I now find to be a flame in my soul.  

Yeah.  This journey called life is extraordinary.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light.

My last day in D.C.

Actually, literally my last bike ride, it got folded up and put in the car immediately after this and I drove home.

Tap into the moral universe

As written on July 20, 2011

Sunday morning I met up with Steven for a final National Park Service bike tour.  The Federal City was designed with the intentions of the pillars that the framers of the Constitution established the United States of America on: freedom, tolerance, and education.  Education which leads to tolerance, which in turn leads to freedom. 

The Federal City was designed to allow for free education.  It was designed with unity in mind.  A unity that transcends this country.  A unity that all life forms should be free.  For the arc of the moral universe bends towards justice.  I have tapped into this moral universe.  Are we not all citizens of the universe pushing the envelope towards justice and unity?

I have this internal strife.  And I sent myself into a full on tailspin this summer.  I sought this adventure out and I’m grateful, so very grateful.  But I question if I am strong enough to handle it.  Can I take what I knew before I got here, and what I have learned since and mold it into my future?  Can I stay positive in light of a horrible, nasty world?  Can I logically and compassionately push the envelope?  And then this begs the question, why me?  Why could I not have just married, pumped out a few kids, and never questioned my place in this world? 

I always had a nagging voice in the back of my head in my experience with animals, my entire life.  I just felt that some of the things I saw and knew about were not right, not ok.  People who claimed to love animals treated them in less that loving ways.  So I guess, I just answered my own question.  I questioned my place in this world because I was not going to continue the cycle.  For when I tapped into the moral universe, I figured out that when something does not feel right, it most likely is wrong.  However, the lawyer in me knows that it is not black and white, right and wrong, EVER.  So hopefully, I can balance the dreamer, the shaker with the logical, manipulate-the-rules-in-your-favor, lawyer. 

What I learned today . . .

As written on July 19, 2011.

Plagued with a desire to live a meaningful life, I sit on my couch and sip my wine and ponder the events of my day.  I sat in a meeting with the lobbyist from AWI and a senator from New Hampshire.  Well, so not the senator because that’s not always how it goes down.  You meet with the senator’s LA, or legislative assistant. Chris, from AWI, discussed some issues concerning horse slaughter, as well as, the horrible white nose syndrome that has killed off millions of bats.  It has spread in catastrophic numbers and will have a detrimental affect on agriculture if it continues to spread.

Then I came back to the office and continued to work on amphibian import numbers.  Suffice it say, most wild caught amphibians are sold as pets.  The numbers are startling and quite disturbing. 

It’s heart wrenching what I have witnessed at AWI.  And I was informed on the issues prior to arriving and I was prepared for a difficult summer.  I had no freaking clue. 

Politics piss me off.  Playing the damn game annoys the hell out of me.

Today I learned I don't want to be a lobbyist.

What I arrived to after being gone . . .

A MASSIVE pile of mail!!

Even though I had my mail sent to me twice.  Two and half months stacks up quick!